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| Photo Credit: Chris Deaver |
I learned a new word today. Ghosting.
Apparently, ghosting is defined as the practice of ending a relationship (personal, casual, acquaintance, etc.) suddenly and without explanation. This included withdrawing from all communication.
Even stranger was that I learned this new word through a "religious article" where a person explains how their church friends ghosted them and the wounds they left were too deep to heal.
Interesting, I thought. Has anyone heard this term before? Perhaps we haven't, but I'm sure most of us have experienced "ghosting" or "ghosted" someone else.
Throughout the years, I've had many people walk out of my life with no explanation. As most of these were not serious friendships/relationship I weathered these with no ill will. I have a strong personality that makes me more resilient in relationships, and a strong enough sense of confidence that I am not devastated should someone decide to leave my life (though I may be hurt by it).
I have talked with many different youth, some of which, have struggled with people "ghosting" them. I surround the term ghosting, with quotation marks because I don't believe a person should be devastated and refuse to move on if another person chooses to end a relationship. It is okay to feel hurt, maybe even angry, these are natural and human feelings. However, don't stop living.
Some of the youth I have talked to are young ladies who have decided to live in the world, away from church, friends, and family. After living in the world, they find that it is not as fulfilling/exciting/include your reason here/etc. as they thought it would be and they returned to their parents and church family. Sometimes, they expect to pick up right where they left off and for everyone to treat them the same as before they left. But it doesn't work out that way. People treat them... different.
They don't realize that while they feel "ghosted", they actually "ghosted" the ones that cared about them the most. They left without any explanation, and often without anyone's knowledge. What both sides should realize, is that forgiveness and coping happens over time. Someone coming back from the world shouldn't expect for everything to remain as it was. The people they left behind when they left could feel hurt, abandoned, and neglected. These are things that don't go away quickly, and "sorry" sometimes doesn't cut it.
This may seem cruel. Some people expect Christians to immediately forgive and forget. But what people don't realize, is that Christians are humans, with human feelings and they all have different ways of coping with what they see as abandonment or neglect. Mine is avoidance. If someone hurts me, I avoid them because I don't trust that they won't hurt me again. I need time to heal, to move past my pain.
If I avoid someone, it is not because I hate them, despise them, etc. It is because I am coping with feelings of hurt, betrayal, abandonment, etc. I may be willing to resume a friendship after I have had time to heal.
While some of these sisters complain about others treating them different, some are mature enough to realize that they themselves are different. They've experienced things in the world that has scarred them, and changed some of their perspective on life.
I meant what I said, when I said "sorry" doesn't cut it. While some may think this is an un-Christian attitude, I would like to put this scenario to them. Christians agree that God sent His only Son, Jesus Christ to die for our sins. Our sins. I repeat, it was our sins that killed Him. Now, we can say, "Sorry, I never meant for my sin to result in your death," but if we keep living sinful lives the apology means nothings. When you tell God you are sorry, you make a commitment to turn from your sin. Turning from your sin produces fruit, people see your life change.
Likewise, youth who return from the world shouldn't just say sorry, they should show they are sorry. That means stop bragging about what they did in the world, glorifying their sin, or trying to convince others to try the same thing. I am not speaking about any person in particular here, so please don't be offended. This is something that eventually happens in every church.
Now, addressing the individuals who have been hurt by their friends or peers leaving the Message and then returning, I encourage you to treat them with love. This doesn't mean you have to act as if nothing has happened or as if they haven't changed. Pray about it, ask God to give you guidance because He will.
When I say to love the "prodigal" son/daughter, it doesn't mean trusting them as if they never broke trust with you previously. It means, accepting that they realized they've made mistakes and they are trying to make it right. Don't be judgmental, and self-righteous. "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;" Romans 3:23.
I realize it takes time to heal, to renew friendship with them, I've experienced it myself. Give yourself time, and don't allow others to pressure you into moving forward until you are good and ready. At the same time, don't carry grudges and refuse to forgive or at least a civil relationship.
In conclusion, I'd like to thank Sharron for allowing me to post and I look forward to sharing more articles in the future.
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